waiting. not so patiently.

I've been trying to type out an update on my appointment(s), new meds, how our treatment is going, etc.

But between crushing fatigue and lack of mental clarity, it's not going so well.

I can't remember my appointment on April 26th. I had another appointment on 5/20. can't remember much from there either. little blurbs here and there, but the rest is a blur.

that scares me.

and makes me thankful that Spencer took notes and DOES remember what took place during the appointment. :)

Spencer could post a well written, informative update. But he's too busy taking care of me. he's also not feeling all that great.

we're realizing that further healing might not be able to happen for him until I am in better shape. much better shape. right now the care I need is so demanding and he is overtaxed physically, emotionally.

this makes me so sad. and frustrated. I WANT him to be well and thriving!

I WANT to help him. to do more on my own, so he doesn't have to do it for me. I WANT to ease his heavy load.

I've been feeling useless, trapped inside a sick body that is holding him back from getting the rest he needs.

I far too often dwell on all that I have lost due to this disease and focus on all the things I can't do. but I need to focus on what I can and should do.

I may be too disabled to wash my own hair and some days need to be carried to the bathroom, but there are still SO many things I can do for him! I can pray for him. thank him for ALL he does for me. encourage and affirm him. listen to him. laugh with him. tell him how thankful I am to be his bride. the list goes on.

this loving, gracious man has sacrificed SO MUCH for my sake, setting my needs above his own. and he does so without complaining, eager to serve.

I am blessed beyond measure.

I have my days (many) where I'm heartbroken over not being able to make him dinner or get dressed up for him and go out on a date. but ultimately, I will love and serve him best by working on my relationship with God. working on trusting the Lord with where He has us. being content. joyful in all circumstances.

recently I read the following in a devotional that my friend Kirra recommended in a blog post:

"Trusting God in our hard times is the way to contentment - not just trusting him to get us out, but trusting his goodness while we are still in them. If we will not trust him in the bad times, we are not going to trust him in the good times either." - Contentment: a godly woman's adornment, by Lydia Brownback

this season of waiting has been a long one. and I haven't been waiting contentedly. or patiently. or trustingly.

even though life is confusingly hard right now and his shoulders are burdened with a heavy load, Spencer pushes through each day, trusting and obeying. I am so thankful for his gentle, yet firm leadership and example in reminding me that our God is trustworthy and faithful.

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

we may not understand why so much pain, but we have every reason to trust Him.

"He who gave His only begotten Son for you, will never withhold anything from you which is really for your good. Lean back on this thought and be content. Say to yourself in the darkest hour of trial, ‘This also is ordered by Him who gave Christ to die for my sins. It cannot be wrong. It is done in love. It must be well.’" J.C. Ryle

Can you tell I love this quote by J.C Ryle? It seems like I'm always including it in posts. :)

so, there's what's been going on in a non-medical aspect of our lives. a lot of emotional, spiritual struggle. learning to trust wholeheartedly. being patient with one another and with God's timing. being content.

it's easier for me to spill these thoughts out of my diseased, jumbled brain rather than medical details and treatment protocols. I'll try to post soon(ish) about what's been going on with treatment...