when we get better

Been working on these thoughts for a few weeks now... hope they make some senseIt's kind of where I've been at lately.

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. I've sort of checked out from the present. My coping mechanisms are few and far between and I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have hope that we will get better, but no more strength to go on fighting this disease. I feel like I'm underwater and can see the surface, but no matter how hard I try, I can't reach it.

Each day all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and trust God to take care of me and meet my needs. I'm normally an independent, "I can do it myself" sort of person, to the point of being stupidly stubborn. It's difficult for me to hand off more and more responsibilities to my husband, family, and friends...responsibilities that I used to be great at managing, but am no longer able to safely or competently handle.

It's a lot harder than I imagined to be dependent on people to help me get to the bathroom, bathe, prepare food, keep track of my appointments, be driven everywhere, and simply to walk from one room to the other, sometimes needing to be carried.

I've made some pretty significant medication errors recently. That's bad. Especially for a RN. Spencer now has to count out my medications for me or else I need to show him what I'm going to take to verify that it's correct. Frustrating and humbling. I'm thankful for how attentive and patient he is with me.

My cognition has really deteriorated over the past few months - from the actual disease and effects of treatment (bacteria is being killed, thus releasing toxins and causing inflammation in my nervous system), sleep deprivation, coping with pain. I find myself daydreaming and zoning out a lot more often. I don't really think about anything all that profound or sensical, just random, fleeting thoughts. A lot of these flickers of thoughts have to do with the future.

I don't want to think about being sick anymore. I am ready to move on. Desperate to move on.

*sigh* deep inside I know that I need to stay in the present and put my energy towards learning to live in harmony with the very disease that I need to fight. But honestly, right now I'm done.

I give myself pep talks each day, reminding myself to persevere and not become apathetic. Spencer is super encouraging and helps me check my attitude, which I'm thankful for. But I continue to struggle a lot with this.

I need some time to simply rest and heal emotionally. The severity and duration of the suffering my body has endured is insane. And it has taken a huge toll on my mind. If only one could take a vacation from one's body!

So, I rest and quiet my heart as best I can. And work hard to exercise patience. To wait quietly and trustingly in a place that I do NOT want to be in. In a place where I'd rather kick and scream in frustration than calmly learn to embrace and even be grateful for an illness that has caused so much suffering.

Please pray that I would be patient and trust God wholeheartedly, no matter how excruciatingly painful the situation.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
- Isaiah 40:28-31

So, I rest. and wait. and trust. What have I to fear? I couldn't be in better hands. {hover over the verse references and you can get a little pop-up showing those verses} Jeremiah 17:7, Psalm 55:22, Psalm 4:8, Deuteronomy 31:8, Psalm 9:9, Psalm 18:30, Isaiah 58:11, Psalm 33:20, Psalm 59:9, Psalm 62:5-8.

And while I do need to stay in the present and take things day by day, I do think it's healthy and good to look forward to things to come. As a dear friend reminded me the other day, it's good to be looking heavenward. Oh, how sweet heaven is sounding these days!

I don't know how long it will be before we're both well. I've been told it will take years for me. I don't know how well we'll actually get..will there be residual damage that won't go away? We don't know.

But I do know God is good. And that He is to be trusted - He will never leave nor forsake us. His plans are far better than the best we can possibly dream up. They may not be what we hoped for or anticipated, but they are always for our good, and better yet, for His glory. Proverbs 16:9, Proverbs 19:21, Jeremiah 29:11, Lamentations 3:21-27, James 1:2-4

In reference to what we'll do in the future, I used to say "if we get better." I was so doubtful. Now it's "when we get better, we'll do _______ and _______." Who knows what "better" will look like...it won't be the same as before becoming ill, but I have hope that it will be better not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

Just for fun, here are some things that I dream up. :)

When we get better...
- we will take long walks and talk about things not having to do with Lyme
- we will garden attempt not to kill our plants :)
- we will get involved in ministries at our church
- we will read books - oh, how we long for the mental capacity to do so!
- we will save up money for a really good camera and then fight over it because we both want to use it :)
- Spencer will return to school and finish up his degree
- I will have energy to finally practice homemaking! I'm honestly so eager to have the strength to clean a bathroom or do laundry :)
- look into adopting a dog or cat...hoping and praying that some of my allergies might lessen or go away as Lyme treatment progresses (?)
- We will spend as much time at the beach as we can
- I will knit and sew ..oh how I pray that my fingers will heal and be able to do these things again..

Over time I'll continue to add to this list. I don't know whether God has these things in store for us, but I take joy in knowing that His plans are better than the best we can imagine.