downward spiral

Things have gone downhill fast since my last post.

Please pray. My body is struggling (well, more like falling apart) with something - not sure what. None of these symptoms are particularly new, as I struggle with them on a daily basis, but they have intensified to an alarming severity. I'm not sure whether this is a die-off reaction related to Lyme, the Bartonella springing back now that I'm no longer on Cipro, or what... I feel like a broken record constantly posting about feeling so awful, but truly, I am crushed and overwhelmed by these symptoms.

Severe and dramatic emotional outbursts. Terrifying panic attacks that take over my entire body. Hysterical crying at the drop of a hat. These outbursts and panic attacks have been completely out of my control and very unpredictable. It makes me feel like a wild, wounded animal. It's been incredibly distressing for Spencer to witness and for us both to experience. The more I research Lyme and co-infections, the more these symptoms make sense, but it is scary to realize that my brain and nervous system are being attacked and ravaged by these infections.

Tuesday night, as I was fitfully dozing in and out of sleep, I had a terrifying, all-too-real nightmare. I woke up screaming and crying hysterically. It really freaked us both out and it took a long time for me to calm down. The dream was just so real. I am still very on edge, convinced it really happened. Spencer has been reading scripture to me before bed, and it is encouraging, but I continue to sleep very fitfully and am plagued by vivid, immensely stressful dreams. Every night I dread going to sleep. I long for sleep to be an escape from the misery I experience while awake, but instead it is a lonely, painful, and tumultuous time of tossing and turning in the dark wishing I could truly just REST.

The pain has been unbearable. In my bones. Muscles. Tendons. Joints. Abdomen. Chest. Eyes. Head. And I can't escape. Oh how I wish I could. I feel like I'm trapped inside this shell of a body, desperately clawing at my insides, attempting to escape.

Uncontrollable shaking, tremors, and twitching all throughout my body - it's never been this bad.

A great deal of sweating day and night. It's awful waking up sticky and drippy with sweat. So uncomfortable and miserable.

Last night I tossed and turned in pain, sweats, chills, and nausea, only getting an hour of actual sleep. And here I am this morning, slumped in bed, wishing I could just go to sleep and rest. But my body won't allow it.

I know this all sounds so depressing and miserable, and I am feeling very bad about even posting this, but I need to share what is going on. Spencer and I can't keep this to ourselves or try to handle it on our own. I plan on calling my doctor to let her know what's going on, but could use some prayer too.

edited to add: I called my doctor, and she is out of town until Monday. Her office staff will notify her of what's happening with me, but there's really not much I can do except hold tight until then.